Friday, March 15, 2013

The room fills with moonlight and memories of old times, but don't worry about me, I'm just fine most of the time.

"PDKT" or any kind of "teasing moments" has never been a pleasant time in my life. I was awkward and could suddenly be insecure. But last year I had different experiences. It was such a good time in my life; it was bitter-sweet, it was emotional, it was full of dreams, .. those moments I will always remember.

I always consider myself as "The Irreparably Flawed" one. My flaws and negative attitude are still alive no matter how much I try to hide them. I tried to be a mature woman but I lived in an 18 years-old body who wears some painful-looking high heels. I failed in relationship because of the distance -twice!- and I tried too hard to stay strong. I pushed myself too hard to get an excellent performance at work just because I didn't want anybody to underestimate me because of this freaking baby-face and tiny body. Just like today.. I am still me. I live with those flaws.

I've known Mas for about 3 years at the time. He attracted my attention because he's kinda different but I never thought I would like him. He looked so mature and flawless but he'd do the things and jokes that high school boys do. His laugh is so contagious, he's smart, he's funny.. you would love him! Every time, his looks seemed to say, "Okay people now I know we have to be serious but for some reason I will say or do stupid things so we can break the ice together." He sounded a bit arrogant (and arrogant is the worst!).. but he was just a friend so it didn't matter.

Back to the core subject a.k.a PDKT moment.. In my imagination, upon opening his mouth he could be a talkative punk-rocker who had ever lived. For my fantasy's sake, I desperately wanted to avoid that. What if he didn't go to a bookstore, what if he's a metrosexual, what if he hates a blogger, or had specific, repugnant theories about "ayam sama telur duluan mana"? I wouldn't stand for it. He could be a metrosexual, racist, who hated bloggers. That would be awful.. Or -even worse- he could open his mouth and be the most perfect being in all creation who had specific theories about how Freddie Mercury and Kurt Cobain died and I'd be standing there in my purple overalls and flat shoes, and everyone, including him, would be wondering why in the world I was allowed to be in his presence.

If it's true: my PDKT moment would be all over!

But it wasn't (yay for us!). I don't know exactly how I knew I liked him. Despite my frantic attempt to get to know him more and more each day, I knew it was impossible to fall in love with this perfect being! When all of my stupid imagination gone, I realised that I want him - in my life. Just because he was perfect, funny, kind, loving, mature, and smart. We shared some very, very good laughs, good and bad stories, fragile side of us, we met once or twice every weekend, sending text every minute, you name a good thing that new couple would do.

Of course I miss those moments. You know, when all the PDKT and honeymoon things over, suddenly everything is changing slowly. That's when everything went downhill. (But when I'm writing this, I realised that nothing is changed - we just started showing our real personality).

So after six months dating or so (and now around one year), it turns out I wasn't irreparably flawed, and perfect being don't exist. It turns out we were both pretty wonderful people who had flaws and imperfections. Some bad things: we're covered by angers, misunderstandings, and probably irreconcilable differences, conflicting expectation, difficulty expressing what's on our minds in ways that other can really hear and understand what is being said. Some good things: to feel that we're surrounded by love, to share laughs, and be able to eat and share our favourite foods - and those are priceless.

I will consider our PDKT moment as one of "the most flowery days" in my life. But PDKT was just a beginning - and every beginning is always beautiful! Today, it's a gift to have him close by to warm my days.. the best feeling ever. So I wouldn't wish to turn the clock.

PS: I love you (plus your imperfections).

♥, Me.


Andra said...

It's so sweet how you describe your sceptical thoughts (or fears!) about him during PDKT! Langgeng ya dek!