Saturday, August 31, 2013

Here comes me wishing things that never change...

The latest step of grieve is "Acceptance and Hope", when you'll learn to accept and deal with the reality of situation. It does't mean instant happiness and you can never return to the carefree and untroubled you that existed before this tragedy.. before this split.. before this break up.. relationship loss.. you name it.

But I do will find a way forward..

Mas decided to end our relationship. He told me several reasons behind his decision that I could never really understand. At first, I couldn't accept it. I managed to calm myself and asked him to give me a chance. But what kind of chance do you want, I asked back to myself. In the beginning of our relationship -our secret relationship- I couldn't promise him everything, but as long as we both trying, I'm staying. He couldn't promise anything, too, but I didn't expect him to end our relationship without some understandable reasons came from his mouth after all these 1.5 years. I hoped he has explained the truth.

Don't get me wrong.. I was devastated that day. I remembered 2 days before the break up, I went to a hospital where his mom's hospitalised. He's been MIA for 2-3 days and I didn't know that that time his mom was rushed to an ICU because of stroke. I didn't plan to visit his mom - I just wanted to see him (to make sure that he's okay) and if possible I'd ask for an explanation. I bought some bread and pastry for him, just to make sure he had something to eat during night so he wouldn't get sick. We met for 5 minutes, but his second sentence was, "Please go home!". So I went home. No luck. But today I remember seeing him, from an appearance standpoint he looked the same. Tall, gorgeous, and handsome but with a tired face. But when I looked into his eyes, I didn't see the man that I had fallen so hard for. The man I had such high hopes and expectation for. It was as if I didn't even know him.

After the break up happened I remember driving away sobbing thinking, "How did things end up like this?" I felt this pain in the pit of my stomach - and that was mixed with feelings of sadness, regret, hurt, as well as some relief. I was so scared because when in a relationship you tend to feel the need to protect the person you are with, protect the relationship, even yourself. Our relationship had so many aspects to it. He's so funny, smart, silly, and loved me. He had, most of all the things I wanted in a man. It was hard at times, but great at others.

We grew apart. 12 years of age differences and life experiences made it more complicated. He couldn't handle his traumatic past and he's insecure of his future - and that just made our relationship even more complicated. Life was just too much for us to handle together perhaps.. It's hard to walk away from all that work I have put in, the emotions that I have this person I do genuinely care for!

As for now, I'm learning to accept everything and think positively. Although I feel that speaking any of the "bad side" of him is somehow going to make it easier to let him go, I'll be managed to accept this situation and think in a positive and bright side. But the fact that he never honest about our relationship to others until everybody thinks he was single this 1.5 years really brothers me. Any signs of him maybe having an affair? I won't think about that. So my best assumption is he wanted to take care of her mother and his orphan niece at this moment. He needed a bigger space to.. "breathe".

I packed all of our stuff and some gifts from him in a box. Our pictures, some lip balms from him, videos of us, a cup, bracelets.. All in one box. I'm planning to keep this box in a safety place or bury it. I didn't mean to forget him and all good memories of ours but I believe time heals all wounds.

After this.. I know there will never been a guarantee that I won't get hurt again. I know that I might make some of the mistakes again. I will fall down but I know I will pick myself up and move on. I don't know what the future holds for me or what God has in store for my life. What I do know is that when it comes to matters of the heart I will walk with caution. I won't just let anyone come in and make a home in my heart to only mess it up, leave it dirty, and vacate..

♥, Me.


Adinda Adhit said...

Deee... We both have seen this coming... Be strong ya. Kalau ada hal negative dari sisinya, time will tell. I admire your ability to faithfully love people around you and for that you are loved too. Please don't change yourself because of this. Much love from uuss!!!!

Andita Sugiatno said...

Maaay,i wish i was a machine that could suck all of your disappointment, sorrow and sadness out of you you said, only time heals all wounds. Sabar yah May, i know you deserve better. I adore your writing May, bikin buku gih, at least something good SHOULD come out of this :D

Maya Junita said...

@Adinda: That day I didn't expect everything to be ended like this, eh? I am surprise with my capabilities handling this painful situation. I'm okay now :) Much love xx

@Dita: It's not the end, isn't it? I am stronger than I thought :D Gue mau banget dan pernah coba bikin buku, tapi waktunya harus dedicated dan fokus. One day gue bikin buku, lo yang pertama baca yah!

Andita Sugiatno said...

Pasti Maay pasti!!

Adhit Jivanka said...

I have read this post and the next one... wow, what could I say? Gw udah denger dari Adinda/Deedee tapi persepsi gw berubah setelah gw ngebaca apa yang lo tulis. Gw juga punya temen yang kayak gt di sini (org indo jg) dan sebenarnya pikiran dia singkat aja: gw sangat insecure, semuanya sudah terlanjur salah, dan gw nggak pernah siap menghadapi masa depan. Sounds similar? Tp dari cerita lo, kedengarannya memang dia nggak pengen melibatkan lo di dalam hidupnya. Ya sudah angkat bahu lo dan bilang who cares! Dengan keputusan ini sebenarnya dia yang paling dirugikan, karena kayak Sony, kalau umur segitu kok dia nge-nol-in lagi?

Maya Junita said...

That's all I did, Dhit! Sesakit-sakitnya hati gue, gue ngga mau capek-capekin diri sendiri dengan berharap dan sebagainya. Kalau gue butuh/sayang dia, gue juga akan datang ke dia dan bukan diem aja kan *uhuk*

Iya, sangat mirip kasusnya dengan Sony *baru ngeh*