How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes I struggle to find any truth in your lies and now my heart stumbles on things I don't know my weakness I feel I must finally show.

The past 4 weeks at the office were very unpleasant. I really don't know what to do with myself. I left my position as a Consultant & Business Development Manager because I got a challenging job offer as an HR Specialist in a start up company, a news broadcasting company (let's call it "ETV") owned by "The Holding". I have accomplished 50% of my personal target when "The Holding" decided to suspend our ETV project. Management's decision was very childish and selfish. And it ruins everything. It ruins our visions, our careers, and our personality as a human being.

"The Holding" felt somewhat responsible for this decision. They split us into 2 teams; supporting staffs are assigned in "The Holding" to help them in accomplishing their daily tasks. My first days working at the holding company were like.. "I really don't know what to do with myself!" I don't want to tell these but.. their system sucks, so does they mindset and attitude!

I didn't accept the job offer for these shits below.

Ever since I was assigned in "The Holding", moments after being told with their HR Manager that I'll be partnered with him, I have spent hours and hours wresting with how to handle these situations:

His (HR Manager's) concerns and his hidden agenda.

Company's unexecuted plans.

Stupid project management system.

ETV's falling dreams.

Insecurity of our employment status.

Bullying. Unprofessional. Disrespectful.

And.. sexual harassment.

I have joked about it with ETV's team in a few conversations, simply because that is they way I deal with setbacks. I don't want to let they know that I am worried to DEATH about losing a job and that the steps that have been taken could end up marking the end of my newly-started HR career.

I am frustrated about the steps that have put me into this position. In my previous office, I was a Manager. I have authorities in certain areas. I was a conceptor. One of my responsibilities was educating and teaching my staffs to be good a Consultant through a series of tasks. I have a good knowledge about Project Management. And now I am getting frustrated because the resources of my current employer are below my expectation. Social skills? Management skills? Problem solving skills? Project Management knowledge? I haven't seen them at their best! And I wonder why a few moments couldn't have been taken by The Management to hear our (ETV team's) side of the story. Last Tuesday The CEO clearly says he will continue this project, but should that have to wait until all of us are tired of waiting and choosing to leave?

But more than anything, I'm getting scared of one or two people at holding workstation. I was sexually harassed since 19th August (I couldn't tell anyone except my Producer because I was so embarrassed). The HR Manager is a man, a year younger than I am, and a little bit "nge-trill" - if you know what I mean. He talks a lot, moves a lot, screams a lot, sings a lot. He's getting married in 2 weeks but he said that he likes me and thinks it's okay to have a crush on me. He uses touch as one of his attempts to make social contact with me (I can't stand it when people touch me, especially when it's for no apparent reason). He tried to kiss my cheek several times and he gets happier when I get angry. I always push him away, verbally and physically, but he won't stop. Today I kicked him for touching my cheek and neck and guess what.. he laughed!

Also, I sit next to The Tax Manager. This man keeps talking and mumbling about everything all day! He loves talking about sex and questionning when will I get married. I. Am. ANNOYED.

Call me stupid but I'm not a quitter!

I could find a reason to stay; that is I have always considered myself to be a part of ETV team, to help each other deal with this situation, to develop this TV, and make it happen. It is unfortunate that this situation has occurred and brought grief to us and embarrassment to "The Holding" Management because I need to write about it in this blog. It reflects the level respect of The Management and shows their disgusting behavior. It makes me wonder what other changes they have made that aren't known to us. They are not very transparent and selfish. They cause us want to leave because they created fear and intimidation.

It has become a daily struggle, but we know in the end God is showing His grace for us. We pray that God will guide us and give us strength. We have decided that is something's meant to be it will happen on God's time, if not, then so be it, there's something better that God has planned.

So yeah.. Actually I have been facing a lot of problems and obstacles lately. Ghian's death, this work-carrer-office issues, and a break up. I went right into therapy right after these shits happened. I was going to get over this and be happy. Cause dammit, that's the healthy thing to do! I'm mad that I now see the world differently and assume that all people are cowards and care more about themselves than anyone else. I know I totally sound like a crazy, but I'm sure more than one of you reading this has been there or is currently here. I'm realising how much more healing I have to do. My heart is screaming to run and I know I can't do that! Hiding from what scares you is never the answer. If I do run and hide, I might miss out on something pretty incredible in my future.

I decide to celebrate this feeling of negativity. Have a nice weekend!

♥, Me.