Saturday, May 29, 2010

Give me a reason to fight the feeling that there’s nothing here for me. 'Cause none of its easy.

I read this beautiful blog entry written by a friend of mine [link]. Why can't life just give us some sort of Strategic Plan when we are born? It can be sealed or marked "Confidential" and inside is every event that is going to take place from now until we take our last breath. How much easier would it be if we could take the guessing out of life and the uncertainty and the unknown that we face everyday, and then we have some peace of mind knowing that even amongst all the shit that we have to deal with, we can know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am tired of this uncertainty and am just ready to know about everything in my life. To know what life has in store for me tomorrow, so I can navigate through it.

Like this weekend. My classmates, all of them I could say, and I struggled with our assignments. We had zillons assignments this semester and five or six assignments are due today - the last day of our lecture. We work every weekday, and have spin classes on Friday nights and Saturdays. I know, it was our decision to work and go to school as well, but this is so torturing! So most of us didn't have enough time to sleep last night, and also the other night. Today, we submitted all of our papers and assignments. This morning, suddenly we received another nightmare. One of our lecturers gave us another assignment. Holy fuck. Like we were the Superhuman.

My head started to hurt. Part of me wanted to cry. I was speechless. Another torture. Another weekend without DVD and mall, and probably another sleepless night! I really wanna finish them right now and push through the pain. But I can't do it. I just can't. My brain needs fresh air. I am. So. Frustrated. I'm tired of this, even though I can see the finish line right now.

After THAT long talk with RGH hours ago, I realized that I can deal with my frustrations either by being self-destructive or by finding another way to express myself. And I choose the latter. I chose not to do my assignment tonight, and decided to blog and listening to the music all night til I asleep. I chose to make myself happy, maybe that's why long time ago, with no certain reason I decided to buy myself an iPod. I also have made a decision about my vacay plan. I take my annual leave on June 3rd and 4th, and go to Bali with Nadya.

What for?

I'm going to recharge my body and my mind. I can't let myself suffered from daily monotone life and its thingies such as that goddamned uncertainty. Right now, I don't care about the amount of money I have spent and I will spend to make myself happier and make my mind healthier. God, I am sick of this. I can't breathe!!!!! Why life is absolutely unpredictable and there's no way for us to know what is going on to happen??

A quote comes to my mind when I write this entry: "You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel."

♥, Me.


Andra said...

I am very sorry you are felling so low and lost, darling. I can feel it :( But trust me, it's temporary. This torture is overwhelming and understandably for you, but nobody and NOTHING can take your smile away from you. You'll be recovering soon. I promise. I miss you.

Unknown said...

"Take every moment, you know that you own them. It’s all you can do, use what’s been given to you. It’s all up to you to do whatever you choose. Live like you’re dying and never stop trying. It’s all you can do, use what’s been given to you."

You chose the right song and the right thing for you. But do your asses NOOOOOOW! I'm your personal cheerleader, so I'm behind you.. sort of, yadda yadda yadda...

By the way, you censored my name, I don't thank you for that.