Monday, April 8, 2019

London, July 25th, 2017.

"Then which of your Lord's blessings would you both deny?" (QS Ar-Rahman)

Sometimes I read my Holy Qur'an and feel like I am a total failure. It's not just because everyday I sin and everyday I fall short of what I know I'm capable of doing, but it's because I read verses like the one above and I feel like it should be simple: Be thankful.

It shouldn't be hard, right?

Why do I have to stop and think for a second?

Why do I think that life can be so unexpected? Because I think it is! As soon as I feel I have figured most of it out, some emotion or circumstance overwhelms me and nudges me off balance. Most of us go through life knowing what we believe what is right and wrong, but who are we to say what that might be? I can't help but wonder sometimes, if I am pushing things out of my life, because of fear, that might be exactly right for me. We will never know exactly where our life will lead us or where we will be in the next 10 years, but we can be certain of what we feel and experience now. Sometimes I wish that I would be less consumed with my thoughts and pay a little more attention to what is going on in my life right now. I feel like I might be missing out on some incredible experiences because of what I have defined as "right for me". I wish I could take all of the emotions that I feel and embrace them, instead of trying to figure out a reason not to feel them.

We are born imperfect, but we are being perfected by the grace of God. He knows that we are very incapable of perfection and He doesn't expect anything more from us, and when He says "If you give thanks, I will give you more" (14:7) I believe he expected us to struggle along the way. Don't get me wrong; I'm not living this sinful life, but it is more the little things that I don't do that can affect me in a big way.

God knows what is best for us, but I am still holding on to certain areas that I am not ready to let go of. I mean, call me human, but it's not as easy as some people make it seem.

I just needed to write that down.