Thursday, October 2, 2008

26 Days since he left: The Thoughts.

I am alone in my bedroom. It's quiet. And when it's quiet, I can think. I think about my bf. It is fair to say that I'm thinking about how mad he made me that night or what a lovely and wonderful bf he is and how I miss him today.

He made me mad, vice versa. I could see his face through web cam, he was so angry and disappointed; but he ended the conversation in smiles and said the phrase, "I love you". Afterall he sent me IMs, wrote in my Facebook wall and pretending everything's okay. I'm trying to decide which one shall rule my thoughts of him. Normally, I'd forget about the fight we've had and everything is getting better by itself. But now?

Maybe it's a bad and stupid decision to share this on the blog, because he reads this blog. And you read it, and normally I wouldn't share something personal -like this- on blog.

So here it is.
We've just begun our 'permanent' long distance relationship - the time is undefined and let's say he won't come back to ID unless he's on vacation. We're now trying to tolerate the separation, and everybody knows, LDR is about trust, commitments, and blah-blah-blah, and also etc-etc-etc. The problem is I have a guy friend, and bf's always jealous of him. That guy was my friend and now we are "Hello" kind of friends - we talk a little now; and when we do, it's just a small talk. When bf was here, he kept warning me to, "Get away from him!", even though he knew that guy and I have our own dating life - and separated life!

That day, over 3 weeks since he left, I took a walk with that guy for a Lebaran-related purpose. For truth-and-trust's sake, I told him everything. Was I doing something wrong? Then he mad at me and he said, "You knew, Baby, I don't like it!" and somehow I got deja vu and I could remember when he warned me, "I know that you have many guy friends whom you always go out with and I know I really shouldn't be jealous because I have nothing to worry. But that guy makes me feel uncomfortable. I know I can trust you no matter what, but I hate when you talked to guys whom I thought are good enough for you. So, please, it's only a thought but I want you to respect it."

My guess: I hate when you talked to guys whom I thought are good enough for you means I hate when you talked to guys whom I thought are better than me, and he admited it. I gave him a chance to care about me - he obviously does, which was really sweet. I guess I should feel thankful.

It's not going to happen again. I know he feels guilty about that. He realized he was wrong - but it doesn't mean I was right, no, I should understand, and respect him.

Maybe some of you are siding with me, and some of you are siding with my bf, but forget that problem because the main problem is, once again: I am confused over this decision making of which one shall rule my thoughts of him. I want to forget this irritating problem but I became pesimistic because I just don't think we can ever be what we were before. Fuck! FUCK! I wish this feeling will go away and I can just trust the fact he cares about me because he loves me. So, I'm facing at least 3 options:

  1. Still here, appear offline on my MSN, Y!M, Skype, and pretend I didn't read his messages,
  2. Forget about it and remember what a sweetheart he was before ending previous conversation after that 'fight' (his smile OMG I miss him! Wish I captured it),
  3. Be honest and tell him my concerns - I know he's able to engage in a serious conversation about this but I'm not sure he can deal with it.
During my loneliness, all I can do is option #1. All I wanna do is option #2. All I have to do, and all we have to do is #3. Dang!


Unknown said...

I'm siding with him (sorry de) because he told me he's shocked then he had those uncontrollable urges of anger. i'm not talking about the problem but it's about "the case". then why you 'ignore' him? he left you in smile! i am not even able to do that to my girlfriend when i'm angry or mad or disaapointed or unsatisfied.

but i'm siding with you too (sorry gor) because think your boyfriend shall move further in trying to control his jealousy. for the truth-and-trust sake. amien.

Adinda Adhit said...

Omgosh Made what the hell happened? Hope you'll share your thoughts live-ly tomorrow. Hope everything's getting better *hugs*

Your comment is so lovely :-) Thank you for everything, De...

Maya Junita said...

Amin for that, Noiy! Thanks for remind me. Thanks a lot.

Yap, Teteh, I need to talk to you. It's hard to determine my feelings and I'm sick of it, but it's not THAT bad. I'm fine.. Thanks before *hug you back*

Unknown said...

Is it resolved?

Just think about this: "Control our character, circumtances, and destiny by controlling our THOUGHTS"

Ga nyambung ya? ya udah deh... bye

Maya Junita said...

Not yet but it's getting better. Pray for us :P

Controlling my thoughts.. that's what i am supposed to do. Thanks ;)

Anonymous said...

Got it, Darl.. Let's talk about it. I'll be ok!