Holythesisbatmanmessyroom! Part 2.

Pictures worth 1,000 words, you wouldn't need wordy explanation. It's so very stressing me out.

Undergraduate thesis (2008-2009) [link]:

Master thesis (2011):

What would you say if I asked you not to go to forget everyone forget everything and start over with me would you take my hand and never let me go promise me you'll never let me go.

Back in 2004, I dig my brother's music folder in our shared computer and found a song titled "Promise" by Matchbook Romance (RIP). The first time I heard this song, it feels like WHOAH damn, I like this one! The next day, I gave my 2-years boyfriend a copy of Promise, and told him I wanted him to play that song in the next gig - but it never happened because we broke up two or three months later, in the same year. Promise is a crazy song with powerful lyrics. It shows how someone can be soooo dependent on their love that the only time they feel alive is when that person is around them.

Two thousand and six. I was 19, was pretty busy with my undergrad school, and for a few years I had been avoiding any situations where I could potentially fall in love. The thing is I wasn't really over the break up (my 2004 break up) and I thought starting a relationship with someone who is head over heels over me while I still 'hurt' from the break up is not fair to the other person. I needed some time alone and I believed one day there will be a perfect time to start a relationship with someone. Several months later, I (re)met a great guy and we hit it off really well. We got similar interest, we loved to share stupid stories, and both of us were recovering from our break up (what a coincidence!). I remember that one day he said, "I don't think the way back to love will simply come with time. Because without the strong intent and right actions, the readiness may never come." His words stabbed me.

One day, we played guitar together. We sang at the top of our lungs. "Do you know a song titled Promise?", I asked him. "Promise by Matchbook Romance? That's the shit! I'll bring the melody, you play the bass.", he answered - but we switched because I didn't know the bass tabs. The song started gravelly because we couldn't sing some low notes. What would you say if I asked you not to go.. We both realized we sounded creepy and had a stupid laugh.

.. to forget everyone forget everything and start over with me. I could relate to the line so much when we decided to start a relationship. Would you take my hands and never let me go, promise me you'll never let me go. It seems that what our hearts needed - we need each other.

And the starts aren't out tonight, but neither are we to look up at them. Why does hello feel like goodbye? These memories can't replace, these wishes I wished and these dreams I chased. Take this broken heart and make it right. I remember the night we found out the major thing that set into motion the decline of our relationship almost three years later. That day was sort of a fog for us and it ended by us locking ourself in his car and spending the night silently (to get into the details of what happened aren't really important). After all this stuff, I didn't just up and leave him, which began our 17-months journey to what I was hoping would be healing. We did our best to be a good friend for each other and we 'want to see what develops'.

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone, left remembering what it's like to have you here with me. Remember when a wise person told you that you will appreciate each other more after you spent some time apart? Those 17-months was such a fog. We lost in the woods for several times and we found each other again. I knew we hadn't disengaged emotionally because we were stupid and were too scared to let go. That day I said that we need to stop calling our relationship something that it's not (again), which led us to go our separate ways. Unfortunately for our relationship, both of us didn't want for things to be fixed. I thought you should know, you're not making this easy.

One sure thing about love is that you can't have it without risking a heartbreak. As for now, we have a fun time when we hang out and talk together (as friends!), which makes me sure that both of us are on the same page. More over, we think that we really should invest our time learning to love ourselves.. and move on :) We will look back and see how much we've grown through all the good times and the bad. Yeah, we hate the bad times.. they are no fun!

Two thousand and eleven. Seven years since the first time I heard that song, and three months after the "real" break up. I still know every word to this song not because this song is THAT relateable, but it's because this song IS beautiful.

♥, Me.

The ascension of procrastination.

I've come to the conclusion that I cannot learn or work without music. The only thing that matters: I need to hear some words. That's true. I vowed to make a new playlist every month, and to be specific, I name the playlists "(Month) (Year)". But if you see the current playlists on my iPod, you wouldn't find April 2011 and May 2011 playlist, because I made the most brilliant playlist name *eh-ver*: Thesis Anthem. It accurately describes my inner turmoil and backpain. It consists of 125 songs from 1960s to 2011; from Fleetwood Mac to Demi Lovato via Sixpence None The Ritcher; from alternative rock to acapella; and from boybands to gays.

Other than the "Thesis Anthem", I like to keep coffee by my desk because the caffeine and its smell wakes me up. Bengawan Solo's Brandi Cookies is the best, followed by 7-eleven's Cappucino, or maybe Torabika's Cappucino (I don't like Starbucks' frappie). I just dragged myself to the nearest 7-eleven (Pondok Indah) and bought a medium cup of hot cappucino. I usually have it cold in my own tumbler, but now aka the lazy and sleepy night, hot cappucino have won me over. And look, I use paper glass (not tumbler) which means I hope it will get colder soon. Kaboom!

Okay, so this post is just another form of procrastination. I hate thesis. Oh yes, there must be a holiday in some part of this country tomorrow. Congratulations! Once again, I hate thesis. Okay, I promise for the next hours, I will put all stress aside and just enjoy life while I work. Bye.

♥, Me.

DIY: Chicken soup with corn and mushroom.

Tonight is a beautiful night, a beginning of super long weekend for some people, and is a productive night day for me. Yay for Friday the 13th! I'm currently working on my second chapter (well, actually I am blogging - I know) and am feeling soooo inspired after reading so many books and e-books about my thesis topic.

When the night was getting colder, I decided to make a chicken and mushroom soup. Also, we have kernel corns, so let's mix them up. The result: BLAH!

Well, this failure is so discouraging. LOL. It makes me questions my cooking abilities. The recipe came from a valued source (aka Chef Ex-boyfriend), we've tried it together and succeed - so how could it have gone so wrong tonight? In the end I just come to the conclusion not to make that recipe again. Okay, maybe chicken and corn soup, WITHOUT mushroom because it smells like a shoe. FYI, I brought that soup to my bedroom (I know food is not allowed in here) and now my bedroom smells like a shoe. A SHOE! But not mine.

♥, Me.

Oh sweet lungs don't fail me now your burning has turned into fear it drills me in my every step I'm moving quick but you're always on my heels.

To give you a little back story, at the end of 2010, I decided to take a 6-months *unpaid* study leave to finish my master's thesis and finally-finally-finally graduate....

But taking a 6-months break from your job doesn't mean you can fully concentrated to your thesis. Up until that point, I had been too consumed with 'the elation' of leaving my job and the pressure of finishing this thesis to think of the sacrificed I made in order to graduate this June. However, I wasn't really productive. The first chapter was brutally hard, and my advisor wouldn't let me to go to the next chapter without finishing the first. First chapter is the baseline, the guideline, the answer of "Why are you writing this thesis? Why did you choose this topic? And other Whys." But my absolute question is: Why do we have to write a master thesis? Argh!

With my chronic lack of thesis productivity I decided to accept a part-time position in the company when my bosses offered it last month. I need something to divert my attention when I am suffering from "Panic at the Thesis" moments. Though I certainly didn't regret my old decision to take a break from my job, during my absences I realized that whenever something is gained, something else disappears. Therefore, a part-time position seems to be a win-win solution for me and the company, because they also need me haha! So, COBIT and QA, I'm coming back to yoooou..!

Monday morning, I finally turned in Chapter 1. It was 18 pages long, that equals FOUR MONTHS hard work, and TWO months overdue from my own timeline. As I expected, my advisor approved it on Tuesday and now all I have to do is write the second chapter (which is Literature Review), and yet I am still staring at a blank page and am feeling a little bit stupid.

Okay, so the page isn't exactly or 100% blank. I have an outline, but it doesn't do much good. The headings I've made are good, but there's nothing good under those headings. So now, it's a good night to start reading a new book about Performance Management Improvement that will boost your "Self-Efficacy" (ahem, my thesis topic!), but since I have one pending work, I think I'm going to wear my employee hat right now.

See you tomorrow thesis!

♥, A miserable Master of Applied Psychology in Human Resource student.

You don't wanna lose it again but I'm not like them. Baby when you finally get to love somebody guess what..

When I saw my friend with her husband, I see something extra-ordinary. She inspired me to be a better person. Not a different person, just better. Her and her husband are so adorable. Her look: shiny lips, long curly hair, duo colored (brunette and gold), girlie clothing with a pair of capri jeans, plus white flat shoes. Her husband: sleek hair with a fuller bread, Wrangler blue jeans, black Converse, and blue Polo shirt. She looked natural but elegant; and he had a special charm that made her wife feels warm. Effect together: Magical. They are the kind of people who lead you to believe that growing old completely in love with one person is more than possible. They lead you to believe that love is admiration. They are the gold of our generation.

And thank you Instagram for making my hand look like an old lady hand.

♥, Me.