Tuesday, May 24, 2011

What would you say if I asked you not to go to forget everyone forget everything and start over with me would you take my hand and never let me go promise me you'll never let me go.

Back in 2004, I dig my brother's music folder in our shared computer and found a song titled "Promise" by Matchbook Romance (RIP). The first time I heard this song, it feels like WHOAH damn, I like this one! The next day, I gave my 2-years boyfriend a copy of Promise, and told him I wanted him to play that song in the next gig - but it never happened because we broke up two or three months later, in the same year. Promise is a crazy song with powerful lyrics. It shows how someone can be soooo dependent on their love that the only time they feel alive is when that person is around them.

Two thousand and six. I was 19, was pretty busy with my undergrad school, and for a few years I had been avoiding any situations where I could potentially fall in love. The thing is I wasn't really over the break up (my 2004 break up) and I thought starting a relationship with someone who is head over heels over me while I still 'hurt' from the break up is not fair to the other person. I needed some time alone and I believed one day there will be a perfect time to start a relationship with someone. Several months later, I (re)met a great guy and we hit it off really well. We got similar interest, we loved to share stupid stories, and both of us were recovering from our break up (what a coincidence!). I remember that one day he said, "I don't think the way back to love will simply come with time. Because without the strong intent and right actions, the readiness may never come." His words stabbed me.

One day, we played guitar together. We sang at the top of our lungs. "Do you know a song titled Promise?", I asked him. "Promise by Matchbook Romance? That's the shit! I'll bring the melody, you play the bass.", he answered - but we switched because I didn't know the bass tabs. The song started gravelly because we couldn't sing some low notes. What would you say if I asked you not to go.. We both realized we sounded creepy and had a stupid laugh.

.. to forget everyone forget everything and start over with me. I could relate to the line so much when we decided to start a relationship. Would you take my hands and never let me go, promise me you'll never let me go. It seems that what our hearts needed - we need each other.

And the starts aren't out tonight, but neither are we to look up at them. Why does hello feel like goodbye? These memories can't replace, these wishes I wished and these dreams I chased. Take this broken heart and make it right. I remember the night we found out the major thing that set into motion the decline of our relationship almost three years later. That day was sort of a fog for us and it ended by us locking ourself in his car and spending the night silently (to get into the details of what happened aren't really important). After all this stuff, I didn't just up and leave him, which began our 17-months journey to what I was hoping would be healing. We did our best to be a good friend for each other and we 'want to see what develops'.

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone, left remembering what it's like to have you here with me. Remember when a wise person told you that you will appreciate each other more after you spent some time apart? Those 17-months was such a fog. We lost in the woods for several times and we found each other again. I knew we hadn't disengaged emotionally because we were stupid and were too scared to let go. That day I said that we need to stop calling our relationship something that it's not (again), which led us to go our separate ways. Unfortunately for our relationship, both of us didn't want for things to be fixed. I thought you should know, you're not making this easy.

One sure thing about love is that you can't have it without risking a heartbreak. As for now, we have a fun time when we hang out and talk together (as friends!), which makes me sure that both of us are on the same page. More over, we think that we really should invest our time learning to love ourselves.. and move on :) We will look back and see how much we've grown through all the good times and the bad. Yeah, we hate the bad times.. they are no fun!

Two thousand and eleven. Seven years since the first time I heard that song, and three months after the "real" break up. I still know every word to this song not because this song is THAT relateable, but it's because this song IS beautiful.

♥, Me.


Rose said...

Tepuk tangan. Prok prok prok.

Anonymous said...

Very heartbreaking :(

Adinda Adhit said...

I too hate the bad times... Tapi ya entry ini kok happy ending... :-( Hugs De...