Mirror.

You,

You just might be at a cross roads in your life. A juncture where uncertainty meets hope. It's a natural to question and to wonder if the choices we make today will align with the dreams we've nurtured. But I remember once you said that life has an artful way of surprising us, nudging us toward unfamiliar yet exciting paths.

Step back.

By stepping back and doing all that observing, somewhere along the way, you'll let the chapters of your story unfold organically. It's through these small observations that clarity often emerges, illuminating the path ahead. While uncertainties may cast shadows, they also create space for growth and transformation.

And as the days unfold, we will weather this season of change, holding onto the belief that every choice made in earnest brings its own rewards.

Alternate Universe.

Pernah ada temen nanya kayak gini:

Temen (T): May, kira-kira di AU lo jadi apa?

Maya (M): Australi? Waktu itu jalan-jalan doang.

T: Alternate Universe, an-djeingg! (bener-bener ngasih penekanan pada d dan ei-nya sampai idhgam saat masuk ke ng).

M: Hoo.. HOOOO! *baru ngeh* Alternate Universe!

By the way, di salah satu novel porno gue yang pernah beredar di akhir 2000-an, gue merangkum curhatan orang-orang di sekitar gue lalu menulis story line tentang apa jadinya kalau konflik-konflik mereka ngga pernah resolved. Termasuk apa jadinya kalau kesalahan yang mereka lakukan ujungnya semakin ngga bener. Meskipun inspired by curhatan huehuehue dan bahkan gue meminjam satu-dua potek nama mereka (karena males cari nama tokoh), tapi itu bukan bayangan gue atas sebuah alternate universe karena basically gue menciptakan karakter baru.

Sampai sekarang, kalau gue lagi mengkhayal (di luar urusan novel), gue suka kebawa-bawa pertanyaan temen gue dan respon gue yang rada bodoh itu.. walaupun gue ngga mengkhayal tentang Alternate Universe juga sih, tapi tapi tapi.. pernah muncul pertanyaan singkat di kepala gue: Kalau memang Alternate Universe itu ada, gue ketemu siapa ya?

Buat kamu-kamu yang suka mengkhayal dan mimpiin Alternate Universe, nih gue kasih support dengan mencuplik quotenya Mbak Sheila Burke:

There are no accidental meetings between souls.

Udah ya, jangan what-if - what-if lagi.. Because maybe it always you. :)

Mantan, Enaknya Diapain Ya?

Gigi lagi ngiung-ngiung karena udah lama ngga pakai retainer, trus gue mau ngomongin mantan. Hih kurang menyiksa apa tuh? Kepengen ngomongin mantan soalnya dalam seminggu ini gue 2x ngobrol sama temen-temen cewe gue tentang mantan-mantan kita di tengah malam (iye, jamak #sombong). Pokoknya "mantan" itu topik yang ngga ada habisnya. Somehow, pasti ada aja satu mantan kita yang brengseknya sampe ke ubun-ubun, seolah-olah emang hadir ke dunia kita untuk berantakin hidup kita, trus pergi setelah dia puas.

Sebelum obrolan minggu ini bareng temen-temen gue, sebenernya gue wondering, jangan-jangan kita  (perempuan) suka ngomongin mantan tuh karena kita suka playing victim. Tapi seiring berjalannya waktu.. ya emang pup aja sih lakinya! :D

If You Are Susah Cari Pacar You Are Not Alone - This Is For You.

Baru selesai catch up dengan blognya Mbak Noni dan blog post terakhirnya berjudul "Susah Cari Pacar" [link]. Hihihi jadi tergelitik ngomongin diri sendiri deh. Kalau kata temen deket gue, gue itu either pacarnya itu-itu mulu atau jombloOoOo mulu. Dari dulu gue paling males sih ngomongin kedekatan gue sama laki-laki, palingan hanya ke beberapa orang aja gue cerita. Ceritanya juga setengah-setengah. Beberapa tahun belakangan ini malah gue nyaris ngga cerita sama sekali.

Memasuki awal tahun ini, ternyata banyak temen gue yang bilang kalau mereka do'ain gue supaya gue nikah tahun ini. Mari kita aminin aja. Mostly mereka ini udah capek sendiri liat gue hidupnya terlalu mandiri, ada yang ngga sabar pengen cerita bareng gue tentang rumah tangga, sampai ada yang pengen hamil bareng. Intinya sih niat mereka do'ain gue baik banget loh. Jadi kalau tahun ini ngga terkabul do'anya, mohon tahun depan gue dikutuk, kali-kali aja dijabah kutukannya.

Another shot of whiskey please Bartender, keep it comin' til I don't remember at all how bad it hurts when you're gone.

<< Previous Entry

All of our stuff had been packed in a blue box and I will keep it somewhere in my house. I don't have a heart to throw everything away. Not The Rainbow he had given me, the bracelets, our pictures.. And not my feeling. I know the last 1.5 years with him was so beautiful and I want to keep those memories. What I really wanna do is change the point of view and remove unnecessary attachment. I want to look back and smile and regret nothing. I want to be able to see and talk with him in the future as friends who have shared a bite of our past lives loving each other. Is that too much to ask for?

It was a bright sunny Sunday when he told me he wanted to end things but then we decided to hold everything til the next weekend. I asked him to consider his decision just because I wasn't ready for a break up. I realised that if he hadn't made the move to break up, I was probably going to hang in there a little longer, figuring that things would eventually get better again. But the last thing I know, I spent the next 24 hours thinking that it's not like I have a reason to hang on. Maybe the last 2 months (or more!) we had a dry season in our relationship and were weathered by the issues we each had to deal with. At the end I couldn't make him do something he doesn't wanna do so I wrote an email saying that I'm gonna let you go, right now.

I don't want to hate him. Neither of us was wrong and I don't want us to blame each other for this relationship or break up. My personal mistake is that I had put too much happiness and security in him and it's not his fault.

Now I have to build a new support system. I began reaching out to my friends more, started writing and making photos again. I was starting to live again. And I will live with our memories -both good or bad- and be thankful. :)

♥, Me.

Here comes me wishing things that never change...

The latest step of grieve is "Acceptance and Hope", when you'll learn to accept and deal with the reality of situation. It does't mean instant happiness and you can never return to the carefree and untroubled you that existed before this tragedy.. before this split.. before this break up.. relationship loss.. you name it.

But I do will find a way forward..

Mas decided to end our relationship. He told me several reasons behind his decision that I could never really understand. At first, I couldn't accept it. I managed to calm myself and asked him to give me a chance. But what kind of chance do you want, I asked back to myself. In the beginning of our relationship -our secret relationship- I couldn't promise him everything, but as long as we both trying, I'm staying. He couldn't promise anything, too, but I didn't expect him to end our relationship without some understandable reasons came from his mouth after all these 1.5 years. I hoped he has explained the truth.

Don't get me wrong.. I was devastated that day. I remembered 2 days before the break up, I went to a hospital where his mom's hospitalised. He's been MIA for 2-3 days and I didn't know that that time his mom was rushed to an ICU because of stroke. I didn't plan to visit his mom - I just wanted to see him (to make sure that he's okay) and if possible I'd ask for an explanation. I bought some bread and pastry for him, just to make sure he had something to eat during night so he wouldn't get sick. We met for 5 minutes, but his second sentence was, "Please go home!". So I went home. No luck. But today I remember seeing him, from an appearance standpoint he looked the same. Tall, gorgeous, and handsome but with a tired face. But when I looked into his eyes, I didn't see the man that I had fallen so hard for. The man I had such high hopes and expectation for. It was as if I didn't even know him.

After the break up happened I remember driving away sobbing thinking, "How did things end up like this?" I felt this pain in the pit of my stomach - and that was mixed with feelings of sadness, regret, hurt, as well as some relief. I was so scared because when in a relationship you tend to feel the need to protect the person you are with, protect the relationship, even yourself. Our relationship had so many aspects to it. He's so funny, smart, silly, and loved me. He had, most of all the things I wanted in a man. It was hard at times, but great at others.

We grew apart. 12 years of age differences and life experiences made it more complicated. He couldn't handle his traumatic past and he's insecure of his future - and that just made our relationship even more complicated. Life was just too much for us to handle together perhaps.. It's hard to walk away from all that work I have put in, the emotions that I have this person I do genuinely care for!

As for now, I'm learning to accept everything and think positively. Although I feel that speaking any of the "bad side" of him is somehow going to make it easier to let him go, I'll be managed to accept this situation and think in a positive and bright side. But the fact that he never honest about our relationship to others until everybody thinks he was single this 1.5 years really brothers me. Any signs of him maybe having an affair? I won't think about that. So my best assumption is he wanted to take care of her mother and his orphan niece at this moment. He needed a bigger space to.. "breathe".

I packed all of our stuff and some gifts from him in a box. Our pictures, some lip balms from him, videos of us, a cup, bracelets.. All in one box. I'm planning to keep this box in a safety place or bury it. I didn't mean to forget him and all good memories of ours but I believe time heals all wounds.

After this.. I know there will never been a guarantee that I won't get hurt again. I know that I might make some of the mistakes again. I will fall down but I know I will pick myself up and move on. I don't know what the future holds for me or what God has in store for my life. What I do know is that when it comes to matters of the heart I will walk with caution. I won't just let anyone come in and make a home in my heart to only mess it up, leave it dirty, and vacate..

♥, Me.

Hold up, hold on, don't be scared you'll never change what's been and gone. May your smile shine on don't be scared your destiny may keep you warm.

It has been a hot week since I have been around this little blog o' mine. Adjusting at the new office was kind of confusing but I won't bore you with the details.

I've realized there are so many lessons in life. Many that we will be taught and learn for experiences and examples. Life is so precious yet difficult, but it is so meaningful all at the same time. It's mind-blowing to think that every little think that we do, effects something else like the big domino effect of life. That left me with a lot of what-ifs that always make me anxious, unsure and insecure. Those feelings ruined my heart last month. Being away from Mas is scary because of all the "What-ifs".

To make long story short, July 2013 was totally not my favourite month of my life. I am not good with stress because of separation anxiety. I thought I could handle this very well but I did not anticipate other things, such as the drastic decrease in number of texts we shared, no "Good Morning", no "Hello", and so on. I miss him. And being a wee bit away from him made me feel very insecure. I cried and asked for God's help to make me stronger each minute. But now I'm getting better. I'm still working on it and it's just a long process of throwing away my junk thoughts that I really thought I had gotten rid of a lot, but apparently, NOT.. With a little bit patience, effort, and pray, I started see a difference in my heart. I just need to trust Mas. And God for He will always bring comfort for me. :)

I am so thankful that God brought him to love me, to be my rock to lean on in hard times even though he wasn't always here physically. There are good times and then there are times when I feel like I could just pull my hair out haha.. But I guess that's just a relationship between a man and a woman. I know there are a lot of people who would simple throw in the towel when the going gets tough but that is just not me.. I'm not a quitter, and I hope neither one of us are quitters.

Amen to that.

♥, Me.

The room fills with moonlight and memories of old times, but don't worry about me, I'm just fine most of the time.

"PDKT" or any kind of "teasing moments" has never been a pleasant time in my life. I was awkward and could suddenly be insecure. But last year I had different experiences. It was such a good time in my life; it was bitter-sweet, it was emotional, it was full of dreams, .. those moments I will always remember.

I always consider myself as "The Irreparably Flawed" one. My flaws and negative attitude are still alive no matter how much I try to hide them. I tried to be a mature woman but I lived in an 18 years-old body who wears some painful-looking high heels. I failed in relationship because of the distance -twice!- and I tried too hard to stay strong. I pushed myself too hard to get an excellent performance at work just because I didn't want anybody to underestimate me because of this freaking baby-face and tiny body. Just like today.. I am still me. I live with those flaws.

I've known Mas for about 3 years at the time. He attracted my attention because he's kinda different but I never thought I would like him. He looked so mature and flawless but he'd do the things and jokes that high school boys do. His laugh is so contagious, he's smart, he's funny.. you would love him! Every time, his looks seemed to say, "Okay people now I know we have to be serious but for some reason I will say or do stupid things so we can break the ice together." He sounded a bit arrogant (and arrogant is the worst!).. but he was just a friend so it didn't matter.

Back to the core subject a.k.a PDKT moment.. In my imagination, upon opening his mouth he could be a talkative punk-rocker who had ever lived. For my fantasy's sake, I desperately wanted to avoid that. What if he didn't go to a bookstore, what if he's a metrosexual, what if he hates a blogger, or had specific, repugnant theories about "ayam sama telur duluan mana"? I wouldn't stand for it. He could be a metrosexual, racist, who hated bloggers. That would be awful.. Or -even worse- he could open his mouth and be the most perfect being in all creation who had specific theories about how Freddie Mercury and Kurt Cobain died and I'd be standing there in my purple overalls and flat shoes, and everyone, including him, would be wondering why in the world I was allowed to be in his presence.

If it's true: my PDKT moment would be all over!

But it wasn't (yay for us!). I don't know exactly how I knew I liked him. Despite my frantic attempt to get to know him more and more each day, I knew it was impossible to fall in love with this perfect being! When all of my stupid imagination gone, I realised that I want him - in my life. Just because he was perfect, funny, kind, loving, mature, and smart. We shared some very, very good laughs, good and bad stories, fragile side of us, we met once or twice every weekend, sending text every minute, you name a good thing that new couple would do.

Of course I miss those moments. You know, when all the PDKT and honeymoon things over, suddenly everything is changing slowly. That's when everything went downhill. (But when I'm writing this, I realised that nothing is changed - we just started showing our real personality).

So after six months dating or so (and now around one year), it turns out I wasn't irreparably flawed, and perfect being don't exist. It turns out we were both pretty wonderful people who had flaws and imperfections. Some bad things: we're covered by angers, misunderstandings, and probably irreconcilable differences, conflicting expectation, difficulty expressing what's on our minds in ways that other can really hear and understand what is being said. Some good things: to feel that we're surrounded by love, to share laughs, and be able to eat and share our favourite foods - and those are priceless.

I will consider our PDKT moment as one of "the most flowery days" in my life. But PDKT was just a beginning - and every beginning is always beautiful! Today, it's a gift to have him close by to warm my days.. the best feeling ever. So I wouldn't wish to turn the clock.

PS: I love you (plus your imperfections).

♥, Me.

I have to give My Mas Pacar a big, fat, thank you.

I know there are times in my days that I feel like I have to act like a bad and bitchy witch. Sometimes it caused by abnormally bad "feminine" reasons, and sometimes it caused by desire to control your life. Yes, I am that demanding.. But thank you for being patient with me and for ignoring half the crap that's been coming out of my mouth and accepted my sorry-s after every single tiff.

You know the meaning of love more than anyone I know. And I should know that you put it into action every single day. Thank you for being so good to me, especially on days I don't deserve it. I know sometimes I was wrong, but please don't ignore this:

I love you.

♥, Me.

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you and everything you do, yeah they were all yellow. I came along, I wrote a song for you and all the things you do. And it was called "Yellow".

Do you remember those days?

Simple, sincere, fun, and real.

There were fun weekends and some after office dinners. Maybe those weren't meetings for some romantic encounter but I met the best friend I never had, who was there to teach me a thing or two. I knew if I want to have a conversation with you and if we did that it just flow.

There were regular tea and calamari between us. We didn't have to make the waitress wait for us to order because we already knew our favourite main courses without even look at the menu. We did what makes us happy. It was warm. Felt good. We found joy. With eyes and arms wide open we shared stories, until we embraced the new beginning and journey.

There were random music concerts in the city. The bright and sunny weekends that ended with "Let's go to a concert that sounds good and we will find some good music by random bands on the stage." It was my untold fairy tale and you made it comes true beautifully. It was perfect. It was unique, special, and amazing.

Everything was simple, sincere, fun, and real. Bring me back to those days, Mas?

♥, Juw.